I am the queen of bottling emotions, everyone close to me has pointed this out several times, but I see nothing wrong with sleeping with my burdens just so I won't trouble anyone. Every time I set a breaking point for myself, I make sure that when I reach it, I am somewhere no one can hear me, and I hope any normal person would agree that sometimes a few tears dulls the heartache for at least a little while longer. When I'm just about ready to express my feelings, to pull someone under the umbrella to keep them from the rain, it turns out that they already have their own issues... my timing is never good. So as a result, I keep quiet, I smile, I nod and agree, and I send them off with a hug and a laugh. But as of late, I've noticed a downturn in my emotions, I feel like any issues I have I can't take them to my friends or even my own family. There are numerous times when I say I'm going to go out and live on my own, be the independent young black woman my grandmother feels I need to be (so why can't I move out yet, again?), but I need the links... the chains that I keep around all my loved ones feet to keep them near, because I feel that without them, I'm truly nothing.
Even more so, I wonder why I made this decision to follow the gyaru lifestyle... this is my deepest secret, one that I have broken into pieces and given the fragments to four very important people in my life. My (self-proclaimed) sister knows I have a blog, my [younger] sister knows I want to become more fashion-forward, and slowly becoming addicted to makeup.Then my sweet beloved boyfriend, knows that I want to lose weight, to be healthier and fit into nicer clothing, and his simple reply is that he'll love me no matter how much weight I ever gain or lose. And finally, my best friend... well, she kinda knows nothing about it, she knows I own circle lenses, and she hates it, she knows that I'm changing, and she hates it, she knows that now that she's moved 45 minutes away, we've drifted apart into our busy school and work lives, and she hates the most. This friend of mine, has made horrible decisions, and instead of bringing my burdens, my concerns, my most deepest secrets, I take her tears, her fear, her dark clouds. I sometimes really can't stand what has happened to us, it seems like we only meet up out of some required formality, things don't feel genuine anymore. But, as I've said, it's because I don't share things anymore like I used to, we can sit on the phone for hours, and I'll just listen and giggle to all her stories, no matter how disappointed I am in her judgement, and I'll simply reply that my life will never be as exciting as hers, when there really is so much I want to say. Not only to her, but to everyone else as well.
It gets rather lonely sometimes, I feel that maybe trying gyaru isn't really who I ought to be, that maybe this is all a fleeting dream and that I should give up and go back the stereotypical 'normal' me. But even then, I wouldn't be happy. I reflect on the manga Skip Beat (it's been awhile lol), how the main character, after all her hair and makeup, she becomes someone completely different, someone completely amazing and stunning. I think things like these are what brought my to gyaru, with my confidence shattered, and sick of being a pushover, I feel that this is my road to take and I can't give up yet. There are so many before me, that have already gone on ahead of me, and yet, I cannot learn just from watching from the wayside. God has given me a mind to think, a mouth to speak, eyes to see, lungs to breathe, and so much more. As one of His Children, I refuse to let life pull me down completely, I will transcend above this, and be beautiful, inside and out.
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| Skip Beat - Because you never give up till you reach the stars and beyond!! |
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